Disappointed

I will admit it! I am disappointed. Disappointed with life, disappointed with work, disappointed with everything!

I'm mostly disappointed in myself. When did I let life go this way? Why did I let life go this way? Where did I make those bad decisions? Cause I sure as hell can't remember! The only good thing in my life at the moment is my husband. And I feel like my insecurities are going to push him away

Take last Saturday for example. I was sat there, straightening my hair, getting ready for a night out with him... and all of a sudden I had an attack. Not anxiety or panic, but a fat attack, the worst type of attack there is. A sudden loss of confidence that leads me down anger lane and tear street.

I cried. I literally sat there and cried. Because the girl in the mirror is not me. My confidence is so low. I don't like the way I look. I don't like the way I feel. And it gets me down. And then the disappointment sets in. "Only you did this to yourself, Nina!" it says.

And it's telling the truth. It's my fault. So WHY do I make it worse? Why do I choose to have these off days that don't help with my self confidence and body issues? I go and eat/drink/be merry. It's no good! I take it out on myself and make the whole situation worse. I then take it out on the husband... "Do you love me? Do you fancy me?" I become this needy mess who doesn't even believe him when he says yes. And I cry again...

But when did I make the decisions to become like this in the first place? I wish I could just turn back time and find out, because I would stop it. I would stop it so that I never had to feel like this again. I want to look and feel amazing, but all I feel right now is disappointed....