I'm in!

Well, the next stage towards my future is accomplished! I got into college! I am officially a student! Studying Access to Health and Social Care: nursing and midwifery!

I am so happy! I start on Friday with an induction into the college! I am so excited but scared at the same time. It has started to make me think about failure in general and how I define it.

I felt like I had failed lots in my lifetime, through the first try at college and weight loss mainly. Then this year, with the support of a very good friend, my perceptions on failure have changed. Why do I define a 2lb gain as failure? I'm still over a stone below my start weight, so haven't failed! And I'm a BIG believer in fate, so maybe the first college "failure" was meant to be. So that the stronger me could prove my worth. After months of being down and feeling messed around, I finally have the strength to cope with assignments and stuff for the future.

As long as I work hard and keep trying, I can never fail. And this year I will prove myself. Both in college and with my weight loss. I need to be in the healthy range to be a midwife. I will be trying to get there by the end of the year!  Success comes with hard work, and this is what I have to remember!

So here's to another new chapter in my life. Not just college wise, but weight loss wise too. Bring on the fun times :) xx

Disappointed

I will admit it! I am disappointed. Disappointed with life, disappointed with work, disappointed with everything!

I'm mostly disappointed in myself. When did I let life go this way? Why did I let life go this way? Where did I make those bad decisions? Cause I sure as hell can't remember! The only good thing in my life at the moment is my husband. And I feel like my insecurities are going to push him away

Take last Saturday for example. I was sat there, straightening my hair, getting ready for a night out with him... and all of a sudden I had an attack. Not anxiety or panic, but a fat attack, the worst type of attack there is. A sudden loss of confidence that leads me down anger lane and tear street.

I cried. I literally sat there and cried. Because the girl in the mirror is not me. My confidence is so low. I don't like the way I look. I don't like the way I feel. And it gets me down. And then the disappointment sets in. "Only you did this to yourself, Nina!" it says.

And it's telling the truth. It's my fault. So WHY do I make it worse? Why do I choose to have these off days that don't help with my self confidence and body issues? I go and eat/drink/be merry. It's no good! I take it out on myself and make the whole situation worse. I then take it out on the husband... "Do you love me? Do you fancy me?" I become this needy mess who doesn't even believe him when he says yes. And I cry again...

But when did I make the decisions to become like this in the first place? I wish I could just turn back time and find out, because I would stop it. I would stop it so that I never had to feel like this again. I want to look and feel amazing, but all I feel right now is disappointed....

Change is afoot

So, the bad luck? Seems to have disappeared this morning. I was woken by the sound of the letterbox going, and upon inspection from the top of the stairs I could see the usual gumph from the local stores, telling me of their special offers. YAY(!)

Until I went down for it. And hidden amongst the gumph, were two VERY good letters. One from HMRC enclosing £441.08 tax rebate! Thank you VERY much!

The other? A letter from Boston College. Asking me to attend one of their late enrolment sessions. AND the course I want to do has spaces!

Cue a mixture of emotions! Excitement. Check. Happiness? Check. Pure fear? Check, and double check!

The thing is, this course is EXTREMELY important. But leads to some very scary thoughts. What if I fail? What if I can't afford the course? What if I can't get enough hours to afford the bills? What if I fail?

I know they're all what if's and only I hold the key to not making them really happen. But they are very scary what if's. What if's that shape my present and my future... I don't want to be a massive failure who loses the marital home mere months after said marriage. I'm scared of the pressures this is going to put on said marriage, although I know Mr D will support me no matter what. I'm scared of the hours I'm going to have to put in at work to prevent financial worries. And I'm scared those hours won't be there....

So I am sitting here, and have another week and a half before I may be able to put some of those fears to bed... I just hope this will all be worthwhile and I just need to remember that this is for the future.

N xx

Vow renewal?

I know, I know! only 9 weeks since the big day, and I'm already on about renewing the vows! Still technically a newlywed and I want to do it all over again! I love Mr D so much that I can't wait for our (second) big day...

But I don't know whether to go through with it. I loved our day, but it wasn't quite how I first imagined it. Don't get me wrong, I am so grateful for everyone's donations towards it but it wasn't the wedding I had quite invisaged. I am slightly let down by the photos and don't feel that it was "grand" enough.

So do I dare save up and go for the "dream" day? Do I buy a new dress or rewear mine? Everytime I bring it up Mr D rolls his eyes and laughs. But if we're going to do it I need to start to put ideas together! I loved planning my wedding and would LOVE to do it all over again, and it would be amazing! A videographer, an amazing photographer, the whole works. The day I really wanted in the first place. But marrying Mr D was more important than the big "flash" wedding, which is why I settled for what we could afford.

I'm not saying we do it this week, I'm thinking an anniversary. The tenth, the twentieth... including any mini Ds that come our way of course, but I do want to do it.... maybe I should just plan and hope Mr D agrees?

I think I have the wedding bug... and thinking about planning another day has sort of brought me out of my slump... surely this can only be a good thing?

N xx

The future is bright?

Why is planning the future so hard? I'm trying to sort out which universities to apply to whilst on my access course, but I'm struggling. Apparently it's also made hubby feel like I'm pushing him into something but I'm not. I've been trying to ask him where he wants to move to. But he's struggling. You see he's never lived outside of Lincolnshire, and I think he's struggling to imagine living somewhere more lively. So I've tried and tried to get him talking but to no avail. Right now? Snoring his head off on the sofa.... helpful Mr D!!

All this culminated in a massive argument this afternoon but still not been sorted properly. I know it seems pointless to try and look now, but we need to make sure that we can afford any accommodation around places. So if we at least decide now, we can research prices and jobs etc etc.

I feel like this is what I'm meant to do, but something always seems to try and prevent it from happening. Well, I'm not going to let that happen. This is my dream, something I finally want to do! I'm not letting this one slip away!

N xx

Life

Full of ups and downs... So why is mine full of so many downs? This year has been awful, apart from June obviously. First off, my dad goes to jail, 6 weeks before my wedding. Then I return from honeymoon and instantly hit a funk, trying to decide what I want to do with my life and really not enjoying life. Then not long after that, I spasmed my back muscle and have been off for 5 weeks so far. I am only on SSP though, and I find it disgraceful. £86.70 a week, really? When I've been working for 10 years? And I've been with the company 2 years and I'm not entitled to company sick pay? Well thanks a bunch. That's me behind on my bills!

So aside from not being able to afford my bills this month, I can also not afford the acceptance fee for the taster midwife course that I got onto!

Oh yeah, I got accepted by the way! But with all this stress I can't get excited. I don't know when I'm going back to work, and even though they have saved my place for me until payday, I'm not sure if I can afford to pay for it. So again, life strikes in the worst possible place. I'm in such a low place right now. My husband is doing the best he can, but we're both really struggling. I know things won't be easy for us while I'm on a full time education course but it is for a better future for us. And my current job is still holding me back! I just want the best life for my husband, me and a future mini D. Is that so much to ask??

Wow! Whoops!

Omg! February? that's the last time I blogged?! I wish I could say that it was an accident, but tbh, it really wasn't. But now after joining WWs and using my blog on there, I have the "blogging" bug again!

So... February... 6 months ago. I was getting ready to marry my best friend and still had plenty to do...

4 months later?

I became Mrs Dawson! All my jobs were finished on time with hardly any stress. I had literally nothing to do the week before the wedding, apart from having my nails done.

I woke up at 7 on the morning of the wedding and sat chatting with my sister and bestie. The hairdresser turned up half an hour early and started with me so I never got any pictures of my hair being done :( My other bridesmaid arrived around ten o clock and then my mum a half hour later. She did my head in from the word go, waking my niece up whilst she was napping (making her really mardy for the rest of the day) and she couldn't work out how to do my necklace up and really irritated me. My photographers had arrived by this time and I had to get one of them to do it! After that things ran smoothly with both my makeup artist and car turning up on time. The nerves still didn't hit me till I was in the car and then all I thought was "this is really happening" and my tummy turned to butterflies. The driver was amazing though and she really put me at ease. We also had a laugh as her sat nav sent us down a dead end and I had to direct her to the registry office! I went in for my meeting and the nerves really hit then. I walked down the aisle with a big smile and married my husband (Eeeeek I love that) We then went into the garden for some photos but the photographer was really disappointed. So we stopped at a nature reserve on the way back and managed to get a few there. When we got to the reception venue we did an informal greeting line and got a few pics with the car. Then things went wrong and the food was ready an hour earlier than planned meaning the running order of the day was thrown completely off. Then when we sat down to eat people took it upon themselves to change my seating plan meaning the best man was sat on his own most of the time! The food was lovely and Nath burst into tears during his speech which made it really touching. We did the group shots after food whilst the room was being turned around which turned out for the best. The evening do was amazing. Most of our residents turned up and everyone enjoyed themselves even though there wasn't a lot of dancing. I had taken a lot of tips from people on UKBride into account and cherished the day and loved it.

So the honeymoon was amazing too. But since being back I have had stress upon stress. The wedding has made me think about my life and what I really want to do with it. My care job is wearing me down and also causing me injury. I have been off for the last three weeks with a spasmed back muscle. And I have been using that time to work my life out. I finally made a move towards becoming a midwife by applying for an access to uni course. However the course is looking like it's full and I may have to wait a year before I can start to move ahead with my life. To top it all off, My full time contract ends in November rather than February so I will be practically jobless and stressed about money issues. AGAIN! Looking forward to a taster course in June (if I get accepted on) but that's about it.

I have tried to take control of my life though and, as you can tell from the beginning of the blog, have rejoined Weight Watchers. I want to be fit and healthy by Christmas and also for my future (hoping for a mini D at some point!). But I'm starting to struggle with these problems. And I don't want to be fat on top of everything else!! I know, I know! I should be grateful with my life. MIL is always telling me that I have married my best friend and I have a wonderful house, but is this really the basis I want for my life? I'm not happy at my job and haven't been for a long time. Do I not deserve to be happy? Do I not have the right to better my life? I want to afford to take days out just for the hell of it! I want to just jump on a plane to a far off country for a weekend and not worry about if I can actually afford it. And, most of all, I don't want to be a piece of shit on some bigwig's shoe!!

Anyway, now I've ranted... here's the good bit again: a few shots from the wedding!

There, that's cheered me up a bit!

N xx